Jesse & Jade #13
The Day After the Night Before...

by Neil Gow

The Afterlife...

Oh you have to be kidding me!

Don't believe a word they say when they tell you there is some blinding light and a tunnel when you die. There isn't a choir of angels either, or even a chilled out goth chick with a pithy comment. The last thing I saw was a garbage can and the last thing I heard was some guy screaming to his wife. Despite my less than normal life, I've always believed that a) there is an afterlife and b) it is a better place than this. I'm so glad I was half right...

Dwayne is standing in a queue, patiently waiting for admission to Heaven. Well, it looks like Heaven. Mostly white? Check. Gentle serenity? Check. A variety of queues leading to a number of ornate gateways? Well, that's not quite what he expected but then again, it's probably an interpretation thing. And the queues don't seem that bad - except this queue doesn't seem to be moving, and the other ones, over there on the right are trotting along. Dwayne looks around and tries to see if there is anyone he can ask a question to.

" I wouldn't move out of the queue, friend. If someone takes your place, you could well be waiting for even longer. I popped out to see what the trouble was a few years ago and they all nipped in in front of me!" The man in front of him in was middle-aged with a sharp short beard. His face was one of those faces you know you've seen somewhere, but it could just have been waiting in line at the local 7-11.

" Do I know you?" Dwayne looked him up and down, trying to place him.

" Ra...as in Prince Ra-Man. I was a hero - big before the Crisis."

" The what?"

" Don't ask. I don't mean to be blunt, but you don't look like your average hero? No costume, no obvious 'hero-aura' going on. How did you go? Villainous ploy? Clandestine assassination? Act of ludicrously powerful omnipotent phenomenon?"

" Drive by shooting..."

" Ouch!"

" So what's the hold-up? Why are we in the separate line?" Dwayne begins to tap his foot. This has to be wrong.

" This, .. what was your name?"

" Dwayne"

" Dwayne, this is the place where fallen heroes go when they die. Heaven, you see, has three levels. The first is where the normal folks go for their eternal rest, the third is where the Big G lives and the second is where the special folks live - the Host. Now the spirits that make up the Host are special people and the Celestial recruitment people seem to like their heroes. So they filter the decent ones out here. There are three queues - over on the far side you have the 'naturals' - as in natural causes."

" Looks pretty quiet?"

" How many of us do you know die of natural causes? The next one with the seating and the bunting is reserved for the real big names - Justice League, Justice Society - we've had them all through here."

" That's not a gate at the end of it, that's a turnstile isn't it?"

Prince Ra-Man just raises an eyebrow. " And this is the ... well, the rejects queue. Either we have died well before our time, or we have unfinished business to be dealt with, or we feel we should get a ticket back. It's a case-by-case basis though."

" You can get back?" gasps Dwayne. Ra-Man just rolls his eyes and pokes his thumb towards the turnstile" And who do I see about getting back?"

" You wait in the queue for your case to be heard."

" But the queue isn't moving?"

"I know - and it hasn't for a while now. We have a little problem at the front called Ferro Lad." But by the time he has finished, Geist was storming to the front.

Jesse and Jade's Apartment

The morning sun floods into the apartment, highlighting the debris of last night's celebrations. Discarded wrapping paper, some shiny new books, a spilled bottle of red wine, a shirt, a t-shirt, some underwear....

Jennie slinks out of her room with her quilt wrapped around her, to be confronted by Jesse standing by the hob in the open plan kitchen, frying up some eggs.

" Oh, glad to see you up - I was wondering when the smell would charm you out of your pit? Remind me again, ham and eggs, how does Rick like his?"

" Jesse! Please..." Jennie manages to blush through her emerald skin.

" Well he is still here, isn't he?" Jesse turns away from Jennie before she answers.

" How did you know, I thought you were asleep?" In her mind Jennie goes over the passionate ( and totally unexpected) Christmas night she has just had with Rick and wonders if she was too...

" I would make a clever comment about you making a lot of noise, but to be honest, you were very quiet. No, I couldn't sleep very well thinking about going out on the street again today and I saw you two...sharing the Christmas spirit."

" And?" Jennie's voice trails off.

" And what?" There is a bite in Jesse's reply.

" And why are you suddenly being so cold towards me? Jesse... do you have a problem with this, because if you do.."

" What?! What?! If I do it's none of my business? If I do it's not your problem?" Jesse is breathing deeply, as if she is on the verge of tears as she snarls at Jennie.

Jennie takes a deep breath. " Because if you do, I'll have a word with Rick and explain that it can't happen between me and him because, in the end, you're more important to me!"

" Pardon?" Jesse stops in mid-flip, allowing the egg to slide haphazardly back into the pan.

" I know we haven't really known each other for that long, but you really are my closest friend Jennie - and I wouldn't do anything to threaten that. You've shown me how to be a strong woman again and you and your Mom have helped me get over Kyle and move on in my life. I'm ready for this now. Rick and I go back a long way. He's ... cute!". Jennie drops her voice and looks backwards towards her bedroom, aware that she doesn't want to appear too eager to Rick.

Jesse turns around and hangs her head. " I'm so sorry Jennie. I just...I just never really did the man thing too well. Yeah sure, you and Kiku have a laugh about my Little Black Book, but most of the names in there are business contacts, one-night stands and friends of friends. My mother was a little ... cloying, when I was younger, not wanting me to get lumbered with a man like my father, and I guess I've still been carrying a torch for Dick all this time as well. When I saw you and Rick I was just... well, envy is the word that springs to mind."

" The same way I feel sometimes about you and your powers?" Jennie smiles and gives her friend a hug. " If I can get through that, I reckon we can get you through this yeah?" Jesse grins and gives Jennie a huge hug. Rick pops his head around the door and coughs.

" I smelled the bacon, but if I'd known you two were busy, I would have stayed in bed..." He smirks and everyone falls around laughing.

The Afterlife...

" Excuse me?" Geist taps the singed shoulder of the metal encased Ferro Lad. He doesn't stop his rant at the man standing in front of them.

" I don't care what your records say! There is more than enough evidence that I could have survived the Sun Eater, I've got all the heroic death criteria you've asked for and ..."

The man gently brushes a wisp of blonde hair from his forehead and places a white pen in his crisp white suit jacket. " I have to remind you again that this has nothing to do with the way that you passed into the afterlife and everything to do with what has happened since. Whilst you have been standing here there have been changes...quite drastic changes. Quite simply, you never existed! There is another Ferro Lad out there now and the world doesn't need another one. Application denied!"

" Excuse me - can you move on now?" Geist prods a finger into Ferro Lad's back.

" Wait your turn! I'm not moving from here until I get resurrected! I refuse to have my life ended because I was stuck in this queue arguing with you whilst the Universe changed. I ..>oof<"

What Ferro Lad didn't count on was that, effectively, Dwayne was only shot a couple of hours ago and he was still as angry as you would be if you have been shot on Christmas Day. When Dwayne landed the kick to his groin from behind, it was about as unexpected as ... Who would have expected a crotch-shot at the Gates of Heaven?

Ferro Lad groans and bends double. Dwayne gives him a gentle prod and he falls out of the queue. Before the next hero can step forward and he slides into position and grins up at the frowning Angel. " Hi!... I hope that hasn't spoiled my chances?"

Kiku's bedroom

Kiku rolls over and runs her tongue over her teeth. Living with two 'adults' she is more than aware of the effects of a hangover, but she is amazed that despite never having touched a drop of beer all night (indeed, ever...) she felt really rough this morning.

Of course, It could have had something to do with her rather late night last night. Kiku pulls her duvet around her and reminisces about what happened last night. If you had told her six months ago when she was living on the street selling hand made frozen yogurt, that she would be living so comfortably with such good friends, be settled (and even possibly popular) in her new school, and have a great guy like Vince, she would have laughed until she puked.

She scratches her head - if you had told her she would ever have been with the guy like Vince she would have found it hard to believe. Usually she had no problems admitted to liking a hunk-fest as much as any other girl. Vince was about as different from that as she could manage. A little short, thin, terminally shy and whilst he scores pretty high in the Geek Factor stuff, he isn't that bright either. Fairly average.

Suddenly she sits bolt upright in bed, her eyes wide open as a chill runs down her spine. Images of her and Vince in college, getting married, raising *gulp* children, being middle aged and attending PTA events...

She snaps out of her nightmare in a cold sweat and jerks her head from left to right, as if she is looking for the emergency exits from life, and then her mobile rings.

( Remember, loyal and dogged readers, that Kiku's mobile phone isn't a normal model - it's a direct link to her guardian Johnny Thunder in Bahdnesia....if you want the full story, check out the J&J Special; Five Go Mad in Bahdnesia!)

"Oh hi Uncle Johnny - Merry Christmas. I..I'm sorry I didn't ring you yesterday, I sort of go caught up in things here, what with Jesse and her present fest and trying to explain it all to Mz."

" Kiku, Kiku...don't worry girl, everything's fine. I myself was a little preoccupied trying to explain things to the old Bahdnesians. It's such a shame that they try to celebrate everything with those dancing girls. Such a shame...."

" Uncle Johnny!" Kiku sniggers. " Did Mz deliver my gift?"

" He surely did, although I haven't quite worked out how to get it to work on my old gramophone."

" Erhmmm...it's a CD, Uncle Johnny?"

" A what? In my day young ladies didn't talk about that sort of thing..."

" A CEE DEE - compact disc? You have got a CD player haven't you?"

" Oh I don't hold any faith in this new fangled technology Kiku. A wind-up Gramophone. and a few old 78s are all that's good for me."

" Oh...I'm sorry Uncle Johnny." Kiku sounds gutted. She should have thought more about her gift.

Johnny bursts out in laughter. " Oh girl, you are the easiest target since Ted Grant, you really are. As if I didn't know what a CD was? Honestly!"

" Uncle Johnny!!!"

" Well, you seemed so glum, I thought you could do with the cheering up. What's eating you, sweetcakes?"

Even though Johnny was on the other end of the 'phone, Kiku began to blush. " Well...there's this boy and I like him and he likes me, but he's a bit weird."

" Weird as in alien? Weird as in a heinous mutant? Weird as in 'wears his shorts on top of his trousers'?"

" No! He's just a bit different. Dresses different, acts different...weird."

" You mean he's - what's the word you kids use? - a geek? a nerd?"

" He's not quite a nerd, but I guess he could be a geek..."

" And what's your problem? You like him, right?"

" Yeah, a lot, but..."

" Let me guess - but other people will think you're weird because you hang around with a kid that's weird, and you don't want them to think you're weird because you want to fit in, and weird and normal doesn't fit?"

Kiku raises her eyebrows." In a nutshell, yes."

Johnny takes a long sip on his cocktail and follows it with a deep breath. " Kiku, sometimes you just have to o with what your heart tells you. If you really like this boy, but you need to fit in more than you need to be with him, then there's your answer. If needing to fit in means you have to dump him, and that angers you - there's another answer. But before you do any of that, I would take a long hard look in the mirror, young lady. Look at how different you are, and what makes you stand out from a crowd." Johnny's voice seems to become more forceful and quite distant at the same time. " In days gone by, a lot of terrible things have happened because people didn't like 'weird' or 'different', or people didn't want to be associated with those people, and didn't care what happened to them. If your other friends have a problem with this boy, remember that they might not be the sort of friends you want, and that it is their problem, and not yours..."

" So what should I do?"

" Well, bearing in mind everything I've said, just go with the flow Kiku - you're a teenager, you'll probably hate each other in a few months anyway."

" Johnny!"

" And as the seething teenager begins to rebel, I think it's time I took my leave. Have a great holiday Kiku and remember to say 'Hi' to everyone from me - bye!" Johnny hangs up before Kiku can start snarling at him.

In the corner of her room, the eyes on the Bahdnesian idol Vince bought her start to glow softly.

The Afterlife...

" I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that I don't have a 'Geist' on our lists. Are you sure you are actually a hero?" The angel flicks through the list for the third time.

" I've sort of retired. I could show you my powers?" Geist grasps for something, anything that could help him.

" Sorry, my friend, but no-ones powers work in Heaven."

From the ground, the still-moaning Ferro Lad pipes in " Yeah...."

" I wasn't a big hero - I wasn't even in a big group, but I was one of the good guys and I can't believe that I was given these powers to be blown away in a drive-by-shooting! Honestly, who the Hell .." The angel coughs and Geist shrugs. " What you going to do? Kill me? Who's ever heard of a hero being killed in a shooting like that?"

The angel chews on the end of his pen and nods. " I have to say, it is a pretty strange set of circumstances. Drive-by shootings should be under 'natural causes' - for heroes anyway." He taps his pen on his head and then suddenly his eyes flash wide-open and he takes a massive gulp.

" What? What?' Dwayne looks on expectantly.

" If you'll excuse me I'll have to speak to my superior...." The angel turns on his heel and runs off through the white gates, which slam shut behind him.

Jesse and Jade's Apartment

" Dress the halls in bows of Holly, tra-la-la-la-la, lalalala!" Mz bounds into the apartment with armfuls of presents. "Merry Second Day of Christmas, my yuletide flatmates! Seasons greetings and salutations!"

" Mz, what on Earth are you doing? Christmas Day was yesterday!" Jesse shakes her head, despairingly, and continues to flick through the channels on the TV.

" But Kiku told me that there were twelve days of Christmas and I sort of assumed that it was like a really long festival? In Bahdnesia they have this naming festival that lasts seven days, so I thought.."

" Wrong. You thought wrong, dumb thunderbolt. When are you going to learn not to take everything so literally!" Kiku snarls from her small foetal ball on a beanbag, staring out of the window.

" Kiku! What's got into you girl?" Jennie puts the whisk down in the open kitchen and sets the eggs aside. The omelette will have to wait.

" Hey, he's MY thunderbolt, and I'll talk to him anyway I want!"

Mz drops the gifts and summons a large red leather-bound book from nowhere. " Actually, it says here, in the Olde Book of Bolt Management, that talk like that tends to end in the talker losing her t-bolt and spending the rest of her life with A DONKEY'S BUTT!"

Kiku sits up and points at Mz. " Look, I don't need this from you - just leave me alone OK?"

" Fine! See if I care - you'll not want to be playing with the new Z-Box I got for you?" A 'beat that!' smile erupts on Mz's face.

Kiku jumps to her feet and dragging her duvet behind her, storms into her room. The apartment is silent in her wake, until Jennie picks up her whisk again. " Was that a bona fide teenage tantrum?"

" I reckon at least a 6.5 on the Hormone Scale. I wonder what brought that on? Anyway, Mz my dear friend and helpful flatmate..." Jesse beckons Mz towards her with a crooked finger.

He laughs nervously. " Whatever you think, it wasn't me!"

" Don't worry...I'm more interested in seeing this Z-Box thing? I've never heard about that before?"

" Oh THAT? It's a genie computer console. Not so much state-of-the-art as state-of-the-craft. Magic, you see. Really good stuff..."

" And you have one of these things."

" I certainly have..."

" So what are you waiting for?" Jesse slides from the sofa onto the floor. " Plug that bad boy in and lets get playing! I assume we're being adult about this and allowing the use of superpowers?"

" But of course! You're super-fast reflexes against my superior thunderbolt brain? Let's get it on!"

Mz produces the small mauve and yellow coloured box from one of the gift boxes and within minutes, the two of them were engrossed in a very realistic battle between two huge dragons. Jennie poured the eggs into the pan and sighed. Madness - total and utter madness.

The Afterlife...

The angel rushes through the gates, looking as flustered as a celestial being can. " I.. I.. I'm afraid there has been a mistake. A terrible mistake."

" A mistake? What sort of a mistake?"

" I'm afraid I can't explain that here and now, but if you would like to go through the gates, I'm sure my colleagues in the Host would be pleased to explain." The angel leans forward with a rather nervous smile and guides Dwayne's shoulder towards the doors. He shuffles forwards and is engulfed in light.

As he emerges on the other side, he rubs his eyes and blinks. Standing in front of him is a huge figure, dressed in white armour and carrying a flaming sword whose light sends flickering shapes over the being's glowing aura. And it has a bull's head. " Greetings hero known as Dwayne. My name is Isaac of the Bull Host. I understand there has been a slight administrative error in your processing?"

" Another one? Which God have I annoyed that I should be blighted by poor admin?"

" There is only one God, my son, and I suspect your problem with paperwork may be the workings of The Other Place. I think it would help if I came straight to the point."

" No, please, procrastinate some more..."

" Sarcasm? I haven't heard sarcasm for centuries. How refreshing. Look here." Isaac waves his hand and a hole opens in the floor of Heaven. In the hole, the scene of Dwayne's death begins to replay. " As you can see, you were walking along the street, returning to your home after a night seeking fornication with wanton women."

Dwayne takes a sharp intake of breath and Isaac coughs " I apologise - it's hard not to be judgmental after a millennia in the Host. Anyway, you were walking along the street and then these hoodlums came around the corner and shot you - or did they? Look again," the scene rewinds and replays ', when they shoot, you are under the streetlight - invisible - and they were aiming at the bottles standing on the garbage cans behind you."

" Let me see that again?" The picture replays again and again and the angel is right. He was invisible when he was shot and it all happened so fast that they could never have seen him " I'm not supposed to be dead, am I? I was an accident, wasn't it?"

The angel shuffles from hoof to hoof. " I'm afraid so, yes. All a horrible coincidence, a slip of the celestial quill."

" So I get to go back?" Dwayne's eyes light up like a puppy who has seen his first pair of slippers and realised their true purpose in life.

" I'm afraid not. Dead is dead. We can't go around just sending people back because they weren't supposed to be dead. What would the morticians say when your corpse rose from the plinth and started stretching and asking for a morning bagel? First it's the tabloids, then it's the chat shows and finally we have to send down the Boys in White to do the job on your properly because there are a slack handful of cults revering you as The Second Coming. No, we can't send you back - and anyway, I imagine you've been in the queue for so long that your body will be decomposed by now."

" On my reckoning, I've been here for about ten hours. Ten daylight hours. In fact, unless the Los Angeles collection has stretched to Boxing Day, it should still be lying there, invisible in the light."

The angel looks again and his shoulders slump. " I'm sorry, but your body isn't quite habitable anymore...I don't really know how to break this to you. It was the rats you see.."

" ENOUGH!' Dwayne begins to rant. " So you are telling me that my death was a clerical error and you can't send me back down to Earth because my invisible body has been gnawed by rats! There has to be something you can do? There has to be someone to blame for this fiasco?!"

" Please. Hero called Dwayne, we try not to use words like 'blame' and 'fiasco' in Heaven. It attracts undue attention from Them Down There..."

" Who? The Demons?"

" The Lawyers in particular...but yes."

A wicked grin spreads across Dwayne's face. " So I could petition Hell to claim on my behalf for compensation?" Isaac rises up and his angelic aura flashes a terrible golden colour. His wings spread dully and his sword burns with the cold flame of retribution. " And in what part of Heaven is that display not going to be called intimidation?"

The angel slumps down and lets his aura fade. " There is another way....but it isn't easy."

" What is it?"

" I have the power to return you to Earth as a ghost. You will be immaterial, and you will only be apparent to those people that knew you already, but you will be able to move around and interact to some degree."

" So people will be able to see me?"

" Those close to you, yes."

Dwayne's heart misses a beat as he realises that, with the proviso that he is dead and he has a finite group of friends, he will finally be able to be seen! " I accept. Deal is done. Where do I sign?"

Isaac bends down slightly and levels his eyes with Dwayne's. " You WANT to be a ghost?"

" Compared to how things have been recently, it will be a vast improvement!"

Isaac shrugs and produces a form and a pen. "Just sign here please?" Dwayne grabs the pen and scrawls his name.

" What was that?"

" Celestial contract and waiver, denying that Heaven, the Host nor the Supreme Being are culpable for this unfortunate incident. Goodbye."

Before Dwayne can argue, he is standing in the middle of his room, surrounded by his Christmas gifts. He looks around and just like he thought, it was the middle of the afternoon. Cheering he runs towards the door and reaching for the handle runs straight through it.

What the... oh Jesus! I AM a ghost! How cool is that?

He runs up the stairs to the girl's apartment, taking three steps at a time, and literally dives through the door and stumbles into the room.

Jesse pauses in her demolition of Mz on the Z-Box and raises a hand. " Hi Dwayne..good night?"

Jesse, Jennie and Mz all double take, their mouths hanging open at their suddenly very visible flat-mate.

" Guys, you wouldn't BELIEVE what's just happened to me...."

Next Issue: Jesse and Jade #14: A New Year brings up some familiar problems...and the return of the gold masked mind sucking meglomaniacal freak that sucked out that guy's mind....guest-starring Deadman.

Greener Pastures

Sometimes, our little corner of the world of fan fiction amazes me. With the twelfth issue of Jesse and Jade I wanted to shake things up a little - I suspected that everyone was getting a little to used to the happy routine our heroes, so I killed Geist. I wanted #13 to have some reflection from the heroines about their settled life, and how they had taken Dwayne for granted. It was going to be pretty somber stuff....

And then two things happened.

First, I got three letters about J&J saying - you guessed it - how much they liked Geist. I think you have to be realistic in fanfic, and three unsolicited letters could well constitute 25-50% of the titles readership! I didn't want to drive them away from the title by offing their fave character! Secondly, I actually thought about how the death would affect the title. Could I write the book the same way afterwards, with the shadow of the killing hanging over it. To continue my oft used Friends analogy, what would happen if Joey was gunned down in the street? That's pretty harsh!

So, I had to come up with something that fitted the book and allowed the Geist Gang ( you know who you are..) to continue reading the title with happy little grins on their faces.

Neil