A Fifth Dimension Prelude

" Hi, I'm YZ"

" And I'm MZ. We're your two resident mystic thunderbolts. If you've just stumbled over this issue of Jesse and Jade, I suggest you just zip on through to the rest of the story."

"Yeah, move along. Nothing to see here.......have they gone?"

" Certainly have, YZ. OK, old-timers. You may have noticed that there has been a bit of a gap between this issue and the last one. A pretty big gap actually. Well, on behalf of everyone in the title we would just like to apologise and assure you that it shouldn't happen again in the near future. Now you can get on with the rest of the story. Go on, read already!"

" Do you think they believed that YZ?"

" I hope so! I've read Melange a Trois #3 and I want to stay on the good side of this Gow character. We make his apologies for him and we live through this issue."

" You reckon?"

" I hope so! I'm a Golden Age icon. He can't off me....can he? MZ? Where are you MZ?"

Five Go Mad in Bandhesia
A Jesse and Jade Special

Starring Kiku Thunder, Johnny Thunder, JJ Thunder, YZ and MZ
(YZ and JJ Thunder appear courtesy of Melange a Trois - more cerebral enema than fanfic..)

Disneyland, California

Hey! Kiku here. Long time no see? Where were we? I remember, I had just had one of my patented teenage tantrums after being publically humiliated by Mr Byrne, my metahuman counsellor and during his amazingly inept attempt to console me, MZ let it slip that the entire Uncle-Johnny-has-Altzeimhers things is a load of rubbish. Apparently he isn't in a care home on the East coast and is, in fact 'somewhere safe'. In his position as Kiku's Favourite Adult and the world's premier expert of Being With Thunderbolts, I really want to see him, so we're going to that 'somewhere safe'. We are. Oh I know it looks like we are both crushed into a phone booth in the middle of Disneyland at the end of the busy season and MZ is trying to make a call to someone using only the letters of the M-I-C-K-E-Y song, but he assures me that this is all part of getting to that 'somewhere safe'.

At least it better be, or I have a statuette of Goofy that I'm quite willing to stick right up his....

" At last! Yes, yes, this is MZ. MZ. Em-Zee-MZ. Slightly short, dark hair, good looking, witty......yes, yes, the MZ who has been on probation with the Thunder Child. You do know I am a fifth-dimension personification in my own right and not just an adjunct to my mortal master? Whatever ... yeah, your momma! Look, just tell me where the portal is will you? Thank you! Was that so.."

" What's wrong now?"

" He hung up on me! "

" So what? Get over it."

" I am a Chosen Bolt. One of the few that has the honour of being allowed to be with a human. He is nothing more than a spark in his mother's eye. How dare he..."

" MZ, whilst I find this treatise on the social structure of thunderbolts utterly compelling YOU HAVE YOUR ELBOW IN MY RIBS AND I CAN FEEL THEM CRACKING!!!" With a twist and a push Kiku and MZ spill out of the phone booth and stumble across the path, falling at the feet of a young man on stilts. Kiku springs to her feet and dusts down her denim jacket. " That's better. Right, where are we going?"

" Big Thunder Mountain."

"MZ, we've been doing this all day, and everytime you get a lead from Thunderbolt Central or wherever you've been ringing, we get to the front of a VERY long queue and then you decide they've got it wrong and we have to rush off again. I'm not happy MZ, and you know what happens when I'm not happy...."

" We have to hide the portals from .... him!"

" Who?"

" H-I-M, y'know? The guy with the hat? He-who-shall-not-be-named?"

" Who?" Kiku has a minx-like grin on her face.

" NO!! I'm not going to say his name because we have a lot of things to do and the last thing we need is to have him hanging around with us, with his oh-so-corny little hat and silly hair. I am absolutely not going to say Mzyptl..." MZ slaps his hand over his mouth as Kiku doubles up in laughter. MZ folds his arms and turns away. Kiku pokes her head over his shoulder.

" We have to go on the Big Thunder Mountain ride and we'll be able to pass through the portal on the ride? You promise?"

" Promise, on my honour as a thunderbolt!"

" Phrases involves dimes and cups of coffee are springing uncontrollably to mind. Lets go, we've got a queue to join..."

Big Thunder Mountain

" I'm sorry sir, but we absolutely must sit in the front seats. It's a life or death situation.." MZ taps his finger on the side of the stagecoach engine.

" Beat it kid, scram! Me and my boy here have been waiting for an hour to get on this ride and Chuck Jnr is going to have the best time of his life. You and your little girlfriend there will just have to sit further back." A reddening and overweight man wipes the sweat from his brow and places a protective hand around his chubby little son.

Kiku, who is hovering behind MZ as he negotiates the seating arrangements, begins to turn a gentle puse colour at the suggestion that she could in some way be attracted to MZ! A low whining starts to escape from her mouth, destined to transform into an animal snarl any time soon.

" Sir. I'm really sorry, but if we don't sit in the front seats, the young women behind me may eviscerate me. You do know what that means?"

" Look kid, if you don't move along I'll get those Disney goons to throw you out of the park." He pushes a stubby finger into MZ's chest.

Kiku rolls her eyes and feels the not-so-gentle throbbing of her feet. " Do it MZ."

" Kiku?"

" My feet are killing me and I'm not in the mood for this. Sez Me." Uttering the magic words, MZ is compelled to do Kiku's mischief. He raises an eyebrow and glances at the chocolate-smeared face of Chuck Jnr. His eyes flicker green.

" Daaaaaad. My stomach doesn't feel too good." The small kid begins to go a subtle green colour and his cheeks begin to bulge as he rubs his stomach.

" What?"

" I said my stomach doesn't feel to good. Dad...I think I'm going to ...." And with that Chuck Jnr's mouth erupts in a torrent of brown and green slurry - all over his father. Reeking of something-comics-should-not-mention the two stagger off the ride and Kiku looks down at the now perfectly clean seats. Nice touch.

" Job well done. Job well done..."

Minutes later the rollercoaster began to slide up it's tracks and into the darkness of the cavern. " When we reach the summit, throw your hands in the air and think about Johnny, OK?"

" I've warned you..."

" Just do it, OK?" The train begins to slow as they reach the zenith of their ascent. " Ready?"

Kiku casts her mind back to those happy times she spent with Johnny. Off the streets and in a warm and loving home. The darkness fades to green and pink and just as she feels herself begin to float into a warm nothingness she is abruptly dropped on her butt!

Somewhere Safe...

" Would it be so cliched as to be obvious, if I said 'We're not in Kansas anymore...'?" Kiku rubs her aching behind and picks herself off the ground for the second time that day. How come whenever you pass through a hidden dimensional portal you are never gently deposited on a feather bed, or in the arms of a hunk? Nope, it's always from a height of around seven feet and onto something pretty rugged. Like rock. Around her is greenery and general splendour that can only have come from the jungle, a Pacific island or a hefty special effects budget.

MZ, for once, is ignoring Kiku's rather self-obsessed need to narrate her own life and is counting down from six...five...four...three...two...one..." Ah, wonderful, here they come!"

" Welcome, one and all, with the warmest hospitality we can muster to the land of Bahdnisia!" Approaching them is a groups of flower-garlanded people in colourful costumes, ringing little bells and generally being about as gleeful as they can muster. The man in the lead is short, bald and wearing a white wrap-around robe. He has a wonderful warm smile on his face. It's a look Kiku recognises all too well from her childhood.

" Bandhesians? Here? Where are we MZ?"

" This is... well, it's...oh it's just too hard to explain. We call it Lasheen."

" Oh yeah, of course, how stupid of me? Lasheen. WHERE IN THE BLUE HELL ARE WE MZ AND WHY ARE THERE DOZENS OF EXTRAS FROM HAWAII-FIVE-OH ABOUT TO DESCEND ON US????" Kiku grabs MZ by the ear and drags him backwards away from the approaching mob of well-wishers.

" Ahhh!!!! You had better ask Johnny!"

" Ask who?"

" Ask me Kiku. Welcome to Lasheen." Moving from the middle of the crowd, youthful and fully fit, in his trademark green suit and waistcoat, is her guardian and former Justice Society stalwart, Johnny Thunder.

" Uncle Johnny? But...you.." Kiku bursts into tears and throws her self into his arms.

Chez Thunder

" So what brings you here Kiku? It's been a while since I saw you last? How are things with Peaches? The Yoghurt company? Who's your little friend? Isn't it great that I've been able to retire to Bahdnisia?" The sheer warm of Johnny's greeting washes over Kiku, accentuating the shock she is suffering at his apparently cured state.

" Bandhesia, surely?"

" Nope - Bahd-nis-ia. Trust me." Johnny laughs " I know the place!"

" You mean I've been saying it wrong all these years. That truly sucks."

" Language young lady!"

" Sorry Uncle Johnny." Kiku shuffles her feet and MZ tries desperately not to laugh. Two of the islanders bring a platter of grilled fruit over to the bamboo table where they are sitting and then shuffle off backwards. " Uncle Johnny, I know you've got a lot of questions but..."

" I certainly have. How's Peaches?"

" To be honest Uncle Johnny, I don't know. Ever since the yoghurt company went bankrupt and I turned sixteen she hasn't really been that interested in your *other* adopted daughter."

"The company is bankrupt?"

" Yeah. Totally. Gone. Kaput."

" Good golly gosh! Well if you're not living with Peaches, where are you?"

" I'm living in Los Angeles."

" Oh my! You're not a ..., well, you hear so many stories."

" I...I'm fine, Uncle Johnny. I'm living with some people you'd approve of. Jennie-Lynn Hayden, Jesse Chambers and Rick Tyler."

Johnny looks at her blankly.

" Oh I keep forgetting you're like, ancient. Green Lantern's daughter Jenny - the one with the green skin? Johnny and Libbie Chamber's daughter Jesse? The clever one? Mrs Chambers stays with us as well sometimes. And Rex Tyler's son, Rick."

" Well why didn't you just say that? I remember changing Rick's diaper when he was just a small boy. Well, it sounds like you're safe then. So why didn't you just use YZ here to sort out the Yoghurt company? That's how I would have done it in the old days. Did I ever tell you about the time he conjured up Superman, Batman and the Flash to help me out.."

" Yes Uncle Johnny - all the time. This isn't YZ, Uncle Johnny. This is a new thunderbolt called MZ."

" Young lady, I think I recognise my own thunderbolt and that is YZ!"

" I'm sorry sir, but my name is MZ. YZ is on Earth still." MZ looks like the ground is about to swallow him up. Kiku has never seen him so nervous.

" Really? Say you wouldn't happen to know where he is?" Johnny grins and MZ swallows audibly.

" Is there anything you need to be telling me MZ? Because I heard what you heard and ....oh no...J.J.'s coming!" The colour drains from Kiku's cheeks and images of a burning island and screaming Bahdnisians run through her mind!

A Motel Room in the Middle of Nowhere ( pop 2003)

" This cannot be safe?" Lori looks around for someone in the room who isn't either stuffing their mouth full of pool balls or rolling on the floor laughing.

" Hehehe! Irwin said he was Ambush Bug and he could do it. Fitting all nine pool balls in his mouth would be such a cool f--arrgghhh'in* trick." JJ Thunder reels at the pain from his anti-swearing chip whilst behind him, the thunderbolt called YZ is beating the pillow with his hands.

Suddenly the t-bolt sits bolt upright and stares off into the middle distance.

" What's up with him?" Lori looks even more bemused.

" HMV" JJ grabs the bolts hand.

" What?" Lori shrugs her shoulders.

" His Master's Voice! We'll be back!" And they both disappear in a puff of pink ozone.

"Tuuduuuhhh!" Ambush Bug turns around and presents an almost empty room with a face like an anaconda with a chronic case of mumps!

* [ JJ has a chip in his head that stops him from swearing - Neil]

Back at Chez Thunder on Lasheen

" Painkillers YZ. Now." JJ holds out his hand and then chugs back the two white tablets with a mouthful of pineapple punch as the rest of the gathering looks on in amazement. He takes a deep breath and then begins. " What the F-arrrghhh! are we doing in this f-arrghin sh-ouch!! hole of a sc-yeoow! hole. Which as-arrgghhhhh-ole brought me here!"

" That would be me, young man, and can I say that your manners are deplorable! There is a young lady present." Johnny looks down on the dreadlocked teenager.

" Yeah, well f-eeeekk! you Grandpa!"

" Well I never! If I was younger I would put you over my knee and spank some sense into you!" Johnny looks on wide-eyed, totally bemused by JJ's attitude.

" Try it, geek, and I'd slap you with a lawsuit so fast you'll be paying for my wardrobe when you're pluckin' a harp!"

Johnny sits down and shakes his head. " Who is this, T-bolt Old Buddy?"

" He..he.. he is my new master, Master Johnny." YZ hangs his head but his eyes are still searching around to see where MZ is hiding.

" So you're Johnny Thunder eh? Big deal. You look like a grade-A c-youch! to me..."

" Right, that's it. Time to sort this out once and for all!" Kiku sits up and stands nose to nose with JJ.

" And you must be Kiku? The former bolt-girl? How's it feel, loser?"

" Hello? Haven't you heard? Being cheeky to your elders is just SO twentieth century. See that rock over there?" She points to a large boulder. "Walk, braid boy!"

" Say's who?! Unless you've forgotten, I'm the one with the real thunderbolt and you've just got some sort of bargain basement thunderbolt-lite stand-in model. So don't go giving me any of that attitude girl, or I might just get him to turn you into .... into a ..."

Kiku gets up close and personal so that JJ can feel her spit on his face when she lowers her voice. " You move your arrogant, abusive little butt over to that rock or I'll cripple you like only a girl can. I assume you like your balls dropped? Good. Move it!"

JJ blanches and shuffles across to the rock.

" MZ? You can get out from under the table now." Johnny taps on the bamboo. A green-bolt head swings out from underneath.

" Who? Me?"

" Yes, you! I think we need to have a chat don't you?" YZ grabs him by the ear and drags him away to the other side of the clearing.

Johnny sits at the table by himself, looking left and right. " Hey? Has anyone got any more of this punch?"

At the Rock

" OK, Island Girl, let's hear what you have to say?" JJ slumps on the rock and kicks the sand absentmindedly.

" Don't diss Uncle Johnny, OK?"

" Sure, yeah, whatever. No problems." JJ doesn't even look at Kiku and instead checks hi nails for dirt.

" You just don't understand, do you? Have you got any idea who he is? What he stands for?" Kiku stamps around in exasperation.

" Yeah, yeah. I know. He's one of the first members of the Justice Society, a real big cheese from the War. One of those 'heroes you have to look up to'. I would have expected the old guy to be a bit happier. Last time I heard he was in vegetable-heaven."

And it was at that point that Kiku's fist impacted with JJ's chin. Not the hardest of punches, but delivered with stunning accuracy and vengeful venom. Of course, it wasn't just JJ she was punching, but Mr Byrne, the Principal, the jedgemental kids at Anaheim Heights, the creeps that had bankrupted Peaches - everyone who had screwed with her life but she couldn't touch. All in one punch. JJ's eye's open momentarily in utter shock before his body follows the laws of nature and flies over the rock and lands in a heap on the other side. " I don't really know who you are, how you got to be YZ's master or what you do at the moment, but if you say one more thing like that, I'll stick my hand down your throat and choke the life out of you with your own intestines! You might think you're all that, but you have NO idea what this stuff means?!"

There are very few moments in life we remember. The slap of the doctor's hand on your behind is lost in the general rush of instinct. Individual Christmas presents tend to meld into one large generic gift. Even our favourite TV show fades from memory in time. One of the moments that stick with you, however, is when you fall in love for the first time.

All Kiku can see beneath her is a bedraggled piece of sputum that she could easily kick the living hell out of if she was so inclined. JJ, on the other hand, saw a vision of glory, a dark-skinned amazon in denim and Doc Martins. All through his life he has been able to bad-mouth and bully his way through situations he didn't understand. Now this ... girl has just laid the smack on him and he's.... well, he's not even going to think what he's thinking in case that damned chip is activated...Too late!

ARRGGGHH!!! OOOWWWW!!! YEOOOWWW!!! EEEEKKKKKKKK!!

" Uhhhhmmm Uncle Johnny? Anyone? I only hit him once! He's having a seizure .... and he's smiling about it!"

Not at the Rock

YZ floats around MZ as he stands cowed in his bolt form. " At least you have the good manners to drop the human act for me. I do so hate it when bolts rise above their station."

" I'm sorry YZ..."

" Pardon?"

" I said I'm sorry."

" Pardon?"

" I said I'm sorry! Really sorry!"

" THAT'S JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH IS IT! Do you realise what you've done? Do you have any idea of the implications of your stupid, stupid actions?"

" She had me by the throat?"

" You're a blessed thunderbolt MZ! You can't be choked. Even in human form."

" No-one told me...it never said anything like that in the handbook!"

" Look, do you know who that is over there?"

" Johnny Thunder."

" And who is Johnny Thunder? I assume you can remember the scriptures?"

" Johnny is the seventh son of the seventh son, born on the seventh hour of the seventh day of the seventh month under the seventh circle of the moon Lasheen and is destined to be the saviour of Bahdnisia and the bearer of the belt that acts as a conduit to the Eternal Zone of the Zodiac - the old Bahdnisian term for the Fifth Dimension."

" Well done. Now, which part of that seems to be important here?"

MZ shuffles. " Saviour of Bahdnisia?"

" Excellent. And who is left from Bahdnisia?"

" Kiku..."

" Extrapolate that for me?"

" Johnny is the saviour of Kiku?"

" The High Council of Djinn recognised that the High Priest of Aissor was a little ... abrupt in his interpretation of the prophecy, remember? Johnny was not the chosen child, but the child's protector. When Kiku came along - the last Bahdnesian with the ability to command a bolt without being lauded with all the sevens, they recognised that she was the chosen child. The One Who Brings Peace."

" Kiku? Get real?"

" Shut up! Unfortunately, Johnny became a mystery man and got involved in all manner of strangeness and well, despite all that survived to see Kiku. Everything was good remember? And then he got that illness.The High Council is powerful but there are some things even we cannot solve - so we did the next best thing. Johnny's body lies in a bed back on Earth, with a tiny link to his soul, which is happily living in 'retirement' on this magical replicate of Bahdnisia? Does any of this ring a bell?"

" Yes...."

" And why was Kiku not to know until the time?"

" Because she would tell Johnny that all this wasn't real, thus shattering the disbelief allowing him to see through the illusion and returning his soul to his body, destroying any chance of him ever being able to teach Kiku her true potential and thus saving the future.... y'know now it's spelled out like that I can see why you're less than happy."

Back at the Rock

" Are you two kids OK? I heard someone screaming?" Johnny wanders over to where Kiku is gesticulating wildly at JJ.

" I... I'm fine Mr Thunder sir. I just slipped off the rock and Kiku was concerned about my well being." JJ smiles a polite smile at Johnny. Kiku just stares open-mouthed at JJ. Obviously he's had a bump to the head or something.

" Well, it's certainly good to see this change in attitude son. Would you two kids like to join me again? The sunset is beautiful this time of year." The three of them walked from the rock to the edge of the clearing and a cliff looking out over the sea. Behind them the idyllic Bahdnisian jungle spread out like a carpet of green. Everything was perfect. " Kiku? You had something you wanted to ask me earlier on?"

" Yeah, Uncle Johnny. I'm not exactly sure what's going on here but the last time I saw you, you were.." She hesitates slightly, giving YZ enough time to save the day!

" Having a wonderful time, with Jay and Alan and the others as they celebrated your retirement! And what a great party that was, eh Johnny?" YZ appears between Kiku and Johnny and digs his former master in the ribs.

" Yeah, Bolt, it was, especially when Hippolyta dropped by in that dress! I couldn't believe the look on Ted's face!"

MZ slips an arm around Kiku. " Time to leave, Kiku."

Kiku hides her face conspiratorially. " What is happening here MZ? Uncle Johnny doesn't remember he has Altzeimhers. He doesn't seem to remember much really."

" I can't really explain here Kiku, but just don't mention the disease, OK."

" MZ?!"

" Trust me Kiku, please. I know I've been a klutz and that I always seem to mess things up. I know that since I've become your thunderbolt I've been nothing but a burden, but if you have any feelings for Mr Thunder, please, don't mention that any of this is out of the ordinary and I promise I'll explain when I get home."

Kiku looks him straight in the eye and sees a very worried thunderbolt. She nods and turns to her chuckling guardian. " Anyway, before YZ interrupted, I was going to say that the last time I saw you - at your retirement - you were still a superhero. I'm having some trouble fitting into the role and being a teenager. Every time I try to do something, I seem to get it wrong."

Johnny rubs his chin. " I remember when I was in the Justice Society, I was the kid. Those guys, they used to rib me something rotten if I made a mistake - and I made a load of mistakes. The thing I always remember though is that they never meant it - it was all good clean fun. Behind it all, they really cared for me and knew that I would learn as I got older. That's what you've got to remember Kiku," he turns to JJ ," and you too, young man. You've got a long life ahead of you both and you're bound to make some mistakes. Looking after these thunderbolts is always difficult but you'll get the hang of it, I'm sure."

" So Mr Thunder, what you're saying is that when some adults take a pop at us for getting things wrong using the bolts we should just give them the finger?"

" I didn't say that JJ. Just remember that you're kids first and heroes second and you'll be OK in the end."

Kiku wraps her arms around Johnny and gives him a big hug. " Thanks Uncle Johnny."

" No problem dear. Now I think the 'bolts are wanting to go? They seem to be tapping their feet in unison."

" What? Us? Surely not....it's not as if certain people have schools to go to?" MZ tries to look as serious as he can.

" And I think that Lori has probably fretted enough about us too Jakeem?" YZ's face changes into a caricature of their friend.

JJ glances at Kiku and extends his hand to Johnny. "It's been a pleasure, Mr Thunder."

" It certainly has been young man. Look after my 'bolt for me, will you?"

" I will sir." JJ smiles and shoots a sideways glance at Kiku.

" And you keep an eye on my girl OK, MZ?"

" I promise I will sir."

" I'll be back to see you Uncle Johnny."

" I'll look forward to that Kiku. Stay safe and remember - 'bolts aren't just for fighting crime. They make a mean ice cream sundae as well." He winks and Kiku laughs.

" Let's go home MZ?"

" Says who?"

" Sez Me!"

" Say you couldn't do that too, could you t-bolt?"

" No problemo JJ!"

The world melts to green and pink.

Outside the Motel

" There's a paramedic ambulance outside the motel, JJ. You don't think?"

" Probably. Irwin really is a stupid mo-yoweeee-er."

" I see the polite act has dropped again. What was that all about?"

" That was impressing a chick YZ." JJ grins cockily. "You have eyes right? Kiku Thunder is just so ..arrhhh!! EEpppppP!! Yepppp!"

" You are really going to have to do something about those convulsions..."

Somewhere else...

" Yes. We're fine. We just decided to go for a trip. Don't worry Jennie, nothing has happened. MZ has taken great care of me. No, we didn't have anything to do with the outbreak of food poisoning at Disneyland. We'll be back before you get back from the convention - you geek! Yeah, love you too. Bye."*

" Like the 'phone? "

" It's way cool MZ. A real Thunderbolt telephone?"

" Yeah. And you understand the rules? You can ring Johnny but you must never let him know that his world is an illusion in his mind. He deserves a decent retirement, even if it is all imaginary."

" Yeah. That's really cool of you and the other thunderbolts to do that for him."

" He's a special man to us Kiku, a really special man."

" He is to me too MZ, he is to me too. Now, tell me how we get down from here?"

" I'm sorry! I thought the out-portal was in a Starbucks? I didn't realise it was this one!" Kiku and MZ draw their jackets around them as the wind bites and the restaurant below them slowly rotates.

* [See? That's the phone call Jennie received prior to J&J#11. I may be slow, but I get there eventually! - Neil]

St Andrews Rest Home

Snuggly beneath his blanket, the wrinkled face of Johnny Thunder stares blankly out of the window, watching the first tiny flurry of snow come down on the gardens outside, His gaze is fixed far, far away and he smiles a slow and gentle smile. " Hmmm...pineapple."

Green Pastures